Dare to Love Yourself Well

Do you all remember, back in the day, when we would be hanging out with our friends and out of nowhere we would dare each other to do something. One person would be like, I dare you to jump off the monkey bars! The other person would respond with, I double dog dare you, to do it. And, if you were out here in these playground streets, living real reckless, you would throw out the coveted I triple dog dare you, to jump! The “oo’s” and “awe snaps” would ring from the crowd.  It was like the ultimate gauntlet had been thrown down, and if you wanted to defend your honor the challenge had to be accepted.

As an adult this tickles my soul, but if I am real, in my youth, these exchanges were serious business and would be the talk of the playground for at least two recesses. It was a rare dog that I would back down from a double dog dare, but man there was no way that I would back down from a triple dog dare.  What is crazy, was even as a spectator to the back and forth of dares, myself and other onlookers were almost as equally invested. We wanted to know the background story, the context, and needed to know who all the major players were. We had the time and the energy to invest and we were here for it!

Thinking about these experiences now challenges me.  I was willing to risk it all on a dare.  Just because someone threw out a challenge I was willing to do whatever it took to let them know that I could rise to the challenge.  So now I sit here as a fully grown woman, who has to be brave and courageous enough to throw down a new gauntlet.  This time the stakes are higher than ever but the payoff is more than I can imagine.  This time around I have to  dare to love myself well. 

That feels like such a tall order.  Questions immediately run through my mind.  I end-up wondering things like; What would that look like? How much energy would it take? What would have to be sacrificed, in order to make this a reality? Am I up to the challenge?  These questions, and so many like them, are what I want us to look at this week.  

Loving yourself well leans into two different spheres.  First, I want you to think about how to love yourself well as it relates to it being done in a good or satisfactory way.  Second, I want you to consider how  loving yourself well moves you towards healing. If you are anything like me, this would be a major challenge. Actively loving myself and taking up space and resources for Bernice takes thought, effort, and grace. It is a full-time job for me to pour into myself and harder yet, to ask for and receive others pouring into me. 

In comparison, loving others feels like breathing. I do it without thought and oftentimes without much effort. It has been modeled for me my whole life. Be it home, in church, or in the therapeutic space, love and care for others was the standard and I took to it like a fish to water. In contrast, loving myself, at times has felt selfish and if I am honest like an inconvenience to others around me.  

On this journey to live, love, and learn, I have been forced to make myself a priority.  Being willing to say, “no” to those things that do not feed me or lift me, even if it is inconvenient for people whom I care about, has been a process.  I am accustomed to being a people pleaser.  Yet strangely enough, in pleasing others I have oftentimes neglected to please myself.  Think about how ironic that statement is.  I am aiming to be pleasing, yet leaving the situation frustrated and irritated with myself and or possibly others, all because I neglected to use my voice and advocate, or rather love myself well.  

That was a hard reality to come to terms with, during this journey.  Internalizing that God had not called me to needlessly “lay on the sword” over and over again, was a shock.  I have learned that every “no” that I give others, is a “yes” that I offer myself.  That was liberating.  My “no” did not mean that I did not love them or value them, it just meant that I needed to choose myself, and that was alright.  Taking the time to ask myself what I need and then agreeing to have that particular need fulfilled took and still takes practice. 

The healing portion, of loving myself well, has been exciting.  Challenging, but exciting.  There are wounds that I didn't realize existed, because I had lived with them for so long.  Coming to terms with the fact that my value did not rest in my ability to perform or make others happy was life changing.  I had permission to not be Superwoman and that did not make me a bad wife, mother, daughter, or friend.  I had permission to be human and have the audacity to ask others to stand in the gap for me.  Wilder still, I could ask for support and have the expectation that it would be met with open arms and enthusiasm.  I learned that people who really loved me, wanted to show up for and hold me up when I could not hold myself up any longer.  I had to come to terms with the reality that I had been denying them the opportunity to tend to me as I tended to them because I refused to admit that I was struggling.

This process has been humbling but liberating.  Loving myself well has been a journey with more twists, turns, ups and downs than a rollercoaster at Six Flags.  Yet, it has been pivotal in my ability to show up in my purpose to help others heal by taking the time to heal myself first.  I have learned to put on my mask before trying to put the mask on the people I love.  Loving me equips me to be able to show up in full armor and in full force for the people I am willing to go to war over.  They deserve a healthy and loved version of me.  Equally important, I deserve to be healthy and loved.

So this week, I want you to think through and journal around the following questions.  How are you doing, at loving yourself well?  What do you want to change about how you love yourself?  How can you enlist the support of others to love yourself well?  And, what is one thing you can do to love yourself today?  Lastly, as you continue on this healing journey, just know that I am officially throwing down the gauntlet and without regret or hesitation triple dog daring you to love yourself well! The ball is in your court fam! Love you!